To my dearest loved-ones, especially S.

To my dearest "Fam-Loved-Ones," especially S.,

The term "Fam-Loved-Ones" encompasses those individuals who hold an irreplaceable place in my heart. My life and the dynamics within my household are intricate and, by necessity, have remained private, shared only with my deeply cherished "Partners-in-Life." This unique family of four, including myself, came together under extraordinary and unusual circumstances.

This morning, a message from a "Fam-Loved-Ones" member, S., struck me deeply. They expressed that despite my efforts to feminize my body, I still appear as male. They suggested this must be evident to me in the mirror and asserted that I would never be seen as a woman by others. They pointed to the engagement Kissra receives on social media as evidence, attributing it to her being a cisgender woman. The message concluded with the assertion that regardless of my internal feelings, I must accept my physical reality as male and that my continued transition has caused pain and difficulties for everyone involved.

What followed resonated with a painful truth. S. stated they were approaching me logically, appealing to my own affinity for logic and mathematics. It was a struggle to hold back tears because, in many ways, I find their words to be true. My own logic is now a battleground. Is it merely stubbornness, an ego unwilling to abandon a path I've started?

The core of their message was a direct confrontation with my identity: as a woman, I should accept that I will always be perceived as male – an inherent and unchangeable fact. The logical conclusion, they suggested, is to halt hormone therapy, to outwardly revert to a male appearance while privately embracing my feminine identity. They emphasized that this situation is not their fault, nor is it their fault that my body may never align with my inner self, and that others may never see me as the woman I am. They urged me to logically accept this and return to a male presentation for the sake of harmony.

Because they know me, understand my thought processes and feelings, and approached me with logic rather than aggression, their words have unleashed a torrent of emotions within me. My mind and heart have always been in conflict, and I have consistently followed my heart's guidance. But this is different. For the first time, the conflict resides solely within my mind. My own logic is fractured, leaving me adrift. Usually, I perceive two distinct paths: one rooted in logic, the other in desire and intuition. Now, my mind offers no clear voice, its own logic at war with itself. This unresolved conflict feels like a persistent splinter, causing intermittent but growing pain.

I have never felt so profoundly alone. I yearn for someone who can truly understand this specific dilemma, someone who can empathize with the storm raging within me and guide me towards calm. Yet, I feel I have no one to turn to. My three "Partners-in-Life" have already borne significant burdens due to my transition. To involve them further feels selfish.

The thought of shifting this weight onto a stranger is unsettling. I have attempted to seek guidance from others, but quickly realized that few around me are willing or able to truly understand. This is a solitary struggle. isydia always shielded our "Partners-in-Life" from harm; Sara seems to be navigating differently. However, the truth remains: isydia will forever be a part of Sara, a reality I accepted from the beginning.

Following this, S. requested to communicate with isydia instead of Sara, stating that isydia was familiar while Sara remained an enigma. I agreed.

My heart has often tempered my mind's perspective with kindness. Now, I find myself contemplating asking my heart to disregard my mind entirely, regardless of the potential for hurt. This feels like a profound selfishness I'm not sure I can reconcile. The only path forward, I believe, is to resolve this agonizing conflict within my own mind.

Therefore, this message is for two groups: To my "Fam-Loved-Ones," and specifically to S.: I hear you. I need time to process this. And to my cherished "Partners-in-Life": You have already given so much. This is my internal struggle, and I must navigate it myself.

With love,

Sara (and isydia)