Discovering Ace: My Journey to Understanding Asexuality

 Introduction:

This article aims to demystify asexuality and its profound implications for how we understand desire, relationships, and societal norms. By simplifying complex concepts and using accessible language, I hope to offer insights that resonate with a wide audience. Whether you identify as asexual or simply seek to broaden your understanding of human connection, this piece will explore what it means to be 'ace'—a crucial and often misunderstood aspect of human diversity.

Main article:

Articulating my own sexuality was a struggle for a long time. Throughout high school, college, and university in Montreal, I knew I was different. While I understood my own feelings well, explaining them to others proved difficult. To outsiders, I often appeared to have a sexual dysfunction.

Asexual people often face prejudices, including questions like:

• Are asexual people just afraid of sex?

• Are they secretly gay/straight/etc. and in denial?

• Is asexuality a phase or something they'll grow out of?

• Do asexual people need therapy or to be 'fixed'? 

I want to firmly assert that asexuality is a valid and healthy orientation.

In Montreal, I had the privilege of meeting many wonderful people from college, university, and nightclubs. While most in my position would seize opportunities to 'score,' I consistently ignored all sexual advances. This often led me to be seen as the 'perfect gentleman,' especially by women. Ironically, many also knew me from my eight years in the adult industry, which created a confusing impression among my friends. When I didn't reciprocate their sexual advances, my female friends, who knew about my work, would often ask why I wasn't attracted to them sexually, given my 'flawless' performances in adult movies. They automatically assumed I didn't find them attractive. These misunderstandings soured some friendships, despite my efforts to explain that I did find them very attractive.

My experience of sexual attraction was unique. I found myself drawn to people I connected with on a deep emotional or intellectual level, regardless of their sex, gender, or background. The only criteria for genuine sexual interest and intimacy for me were the connection I established and its reciprocation. The only other way I could 'perform' sexually was by using my imagination to create a scenario in my mind. This brought me no enjoyment; on the contrary, it was often a taxing and energy-depleting effort to continually imagine scenarios just to perform (i.e., fake it). Unlike other men, I never experienced spontaneous arousal or woke up with sexual arousal. Nudity and pornography also did nothing for me in terms of sexual arousal.

I never connected desire, intimacy, and meaningful relationships with sexuality; for me, these were non-sexual connections. I often found that society commodifies sex and prioritizes sexual expression, leading to misunderstandings and challenges for asexual individuals such as myself.

As time passed, my focus remained on important aspects of my life, with sexuality not ranking high on my priority scale—until recently. When I decided to go public with my transition from male to female, I became eager to understand everything about my transgender identity and how my sexuality intersected with it. Following advice from friends, I was recommended a few books, and I chose:

• Angela Chen’s Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex

• The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker Reading these books revealed the immense power of precise vocabulary to describe experiences, especially for marginalized groups like the ace community. Having terms like 'asexual' provides crucial validation and allows individuals to find community and understanding. Thus, my journey into understanding my sexuality has truly just begun.

Asexuality is primarily defined as a sexual orientation characterized by a lack of sexual attraction to others. This means an asexual person (often shortened to 'ace') does not experience the intrinsic pull or desire to engage in sexual activity with other people. Essentially, asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, which is distinct from sex drive, romantic attraction, and other related concepts.

If I would summarise Asexuality, It is a lack of sexual attraction. This “lack of sexual attraction” is different from sex drive, romantic attraction, and other related concepts

However, to truly grasp asexuality, it's essential to understand its many nuances. Asexuality is an umbrella term that exists on a spectrum. Not all asexual people experience a complete absence of sexual interest; instead, there's a wide range of experiences within the 'ace community.' Some terms on this spectrum include:

• Demisexual: Experiences sexual attraction only after a strong emotional connection has formed.

• Grey-A/Graysexual: Experiences sexual attraction rarely, weakly, or only under specific circumstances.

• Aceflux: Experiences a fluctuating level of asexuality, where their attraction may change over time.

Therefore, Asexuality is not a choice. For example, celibacy or abstinence are behavioral choices to refrain from sex, often due to personal, religious, or moral reasons, and individuals who are celibate or abstain may still experience sexual attraction. Asexuality, conversely, is an intrinsic orientation, like being heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual. 

It's also worth mentioning that asexuality is a valid sexual orientation, not a disorder, illness, or result of trauma. It's simply how some people are wired. A key concept in understanding asexuality is the split attraction model. Asexual people can, and often do, experience other forms of attraction, including:

• Romantic attraction: The desire for a romantic relationship with someone (e.g., biromantic, heteroromantic, homoromantic, panromantic, aromantic).

• Aesthetic attraction: Appreciation for someone's appearance or beauty.

• Sensual attraction: The desire for non-sexual physical touch, like cuddling or hugging.

• Platonic attraction: The desire for a close friendship.

The recognition of these and other non-sexual forms of attraction (like sensual attraction, emotional attraction, intellectual attraction) is part of the "split attraction model." This model helps to break down attraction into its various components, making it easier to understand that:

• Someone can experience one type of attraction without experiencing others.

• Sexual attraction is just one piece of the puzzle when it comes to how people connect with each other.

This model is particularly helpful for asexual and aromantic individuals, as it validates their experiences of forming deep and meaningful relationships that do not involve sexual or romantic attraction.

In essence, asexuality is a diverse and multifaceted sexual orientation defined by the lack of sexual attraction. This distinguishes it from behavioral choices and highlights the various forms of attraction and relationship desires that exist. A key distinction in understanding asexuality is that sexual attraction is different from physical pleasure and libido (the desire for release). 

Sexual Attraction is the desire to engage in sexual activity with a specific person because you find them sexually appealing. It's the "I want to have sex with that person" feeling. It's often accompanied by a sense of desire for sexual intimacy with that individual. This is the core component that asexual people generally lack.

Physical Pleasure (from sex) refers to the bodily sensations and gratification that can come from sexual activity, including orgasm. The human body has nerve endings and physiological responses that can lead to pleasurable feelings and release, regardless of whether there's sexual attraction present.

Libido/Sex Drive is an internal, biological urge or drive for sexual release. It's a general physical sensation that might feel like a need to "scratch an itch," but it's not directed at any specific person.

Therefore, an asexual person can be in romantic relationships, fall in love, desire intimacy, and even have children (through various means) without experiencing sexual attraction. Some asexual people may choose to engage in sexual activity for reasons other than sexual attraction, such as to please a romantic partner, to conceive children, or for physical pleasure (which is distinct from sexual attraction).

For example, an asexual person doesn't look at someone and feel a specific pull or urge to have sex with them. The idea of sex with that person doesn't inherently appeal to them on an attractive, person-specific level. Despite lacking sexual attraction, some asexual individuals do experience a libido or a general physical urge for sexual release. Their bodies are still capable of arousal and can experience physical pleasure from sexual activity (either solitary, like masturbation, or partnered). 

To clarify, I'll use myself as an example. I don't feel any sexual attraction or urges towards people, regardless of their attractiveness or presentation. However, I do enjoy the physical sensations associated with sex, even if I'm not attracted to the person I'm with; for me, it's about the sensations, not the attraction. I might engage in sex as a way to connect with someone, to keep a partner happy, or to fulfill a need within the relationship, even without experiencing sexual attraction myself. I can still find some level of physical pleasure in the act, or be neutral about it. I might also engage in sex for practical reasons, such as family planning, or simply out of curiosity about the experience.

Think of it like hunger. You might feel a general physical sensation of hunger (like libido). You might also find food enjoyable to eat for its taste and the feeling of being full (physical pleasure). However, you don't necessarily feel "attracted" to a specific sandwich in the same way a sexual person feels attracted to another person for sex. You might eat the sandwich because you're hungry and you know it will satisfy that hunger and taste good, not because you have a special, personal "attraction" to that specific sandwich.

So, when an asexual person engages in sexual activity for "physical pleasure," it means they are doing so because their body can experience pleasurable sensations from it, or they have a need for physical release, rather than because they are sexually drawn to or desiring sex with a specific person. It's a key concept that underscores the diversity within the asexual community and the multifaceted nature of human sexuality.

Conclusion:

• Asexuality often lacks visibility in a sex-saturated society. This invisibility leads to misunderstanding, dismissal, and often, emotional distress for asexual individuals who feel their experiences are not recognized or validated. While a clear definition for asexuality exists, it's crucial to acknowledge the diversity within the asexual community. The ace spectrum, including demisexuality and graysexuality, encompasses varied relationship styles—romantic or aromantic, partnered or single.
  
  As illuminated by the split attraction model, sexual attraction is distinct from romantic, aesthetic, sensual, or platonic attraction. This understanding helps clarify that asexual people can still desire and form deep, meaningful relationships that are not sexually based.
  
  This article aims to serve multiple purposes:
  
  

• For asexual or questioning individuals: To help them understand their own orientation, navigate relationships, and consider the implications of coming out. It offers much-needed validation, empowering them with language and knowledge to articulate their experiences, and helping them understand they are not alone, broken, or abnormal.

• For friends, family, and partners: To provide facts and insights that foster empathy, respect, and better support for asexual people in their lives.

• For broader society: To promote awareness about asexuality, challenging societal assumptions about universal sexual desire, and advocating for greater inclusion and respect.

• In essence, this article serves as an authoritative yet approachable guide for anyone looking to understand asexuality, dispelling myths and fostering a more inclusive understanding of human diversity.
  

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  References:
  
  

• Angela Chen’s Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex

• The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality by Julie Sondra Decker"